How I'm Feeling Today...

I am starting to feel a little guilty for going back to school.  Today I had to leave Bryson with his sitter while he was still not feeling well at all.  My sitter is great, so it's not that I worried about her, but I just felt so bad leaving my sick baby boy with someone other than Mom.  And I also did feel bad for the sitter having to deal with my fussy boy.  I could hardly think straight the whole time I was at school.  I just kept thinking how I would so much rather be rocking my sick baby.  And that he NEEDS me!  And did I make the right decision?  I have never left any of my kids with anyone.  I ran two daycares and my boys went to work with me then, but I have never taken them to daycare or a sitter on their own.  Am I robbing Bryson of his time with Mom?  Am I being unfair?  Should I have waited until he started school before I went back?  I think I'm going a little crazy!

Now I do know that Bryson will be just fine.  (The logical side of me) Millions and millions of kids go to babysitters and daycares every day and they are fine.  It's just such an adjustment.  Mostly for me.  I keep telling myself that going back to school is the best possible decision I could have made right now.  It will be wonderful for my family when I finish school and begin working.  And school has been a nice little "break" for me also.  I never leave my house.  I am with my children pretty much 24/7.  They NEVER leave me alone!  LOL  Even when I am trying to do homework and Trent says he'll "watch" them, they still don't leave me alone.  He "watches" them bugging me every 5 seconds!  I literally have to sneak out of the house if I just want to go to the grocery store by myself.  When I return the kids attack me like Vultures hovering over a dead cat in the road the second they hear the garage door open!  I have to dodge kids just to get into my garage!  This is not an exaggeration, either.  The other day I was going pee with the door open.  Ethan said "Why did you leave the door open?"  I said, "Really?  Does it matter?  If I closed it you would just walk in and talk to me anyway,  And if I locked it you would just stand there and yell through the door to tell me whatever you want to say!"  I get no privacy in this house.  So, I guess school has been good for that, at least.

Isn't it funny how our kids can drive us so insane and we practically have to BEG for a break?  But when we DON'T have them we feel like a piece of us is missing?  Like we just can't function?  People ask me all the time how in the world I can deal with all of the noise in my house.  I'm so used to it.  When it's quiet that's when I don't function very well.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE getting a break here and there.  In fact many days I fantasize about being somewhere, anywhere, by myself!  I enjoy the days that my kids are in school all day and I make good use of them.  But sometimes I just miss them.

Anyway, I guess I really don't have much of a point here.  Just needed to vent about how I was feeling.  I know I made the right decision by choosing to get an education.  And I know my kids are ALL going to be fine.  I guess it's all just still so new to me.  I need to get used to the whole thing.  I will.  And the whole time my kids are still going to drive me crazy and I'm still going to miss them when I am or they are not at home.  I need to get over my guilt.

I know I've just kind of jumped around here.  It's just what's going through my mind today.  That, and I have a math test on Tuesday that I'm probably going to fail.  Ugh....